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Notes by a Casual Observer
The Suburban War

by Kira Nelson

You'll never guess what I came across.....a notebook. Yes, a notebook, a small journalistic one. In it are the beginnings of a journalistic account of what happened to us in Newtown during the summer of 1998. It is the tale of a war we had, a fabulous, outrageous...well read on. This article could use some work and better prose. The article is also unfinished, the last several pages in the notebook have indiscernible scribbled notes concerning numerous attcks. PLEASE - contribute if you have any tales contributing to this fabled time.
Email me!

The Title Page

"Newtown is dead. Or so it will be. The town itself has always been dead, offering no entertainment to its population of the bored youth. They call the place "hell", whereas their parents proudly display the hideous bumper sticker: "ITS NICER IN NEWTOWN".

This summer shall be a time of change. The day of judgement draws near.

"By the end of this summer, Newtown is going to be destroyed." The statement echoes from many mouths. "It is going to become a crater as deep as the mountain behind Dave's house is high."
And it has begun.

Actually, it has been going on for some time now. We had taken it upon ourselves long ago to create havoc.

Only now has the Suburban War begun.


"It is the night of Tuesday, June ___. The war has been going on since saturday.

The first attack was rather unexpected by the tripping victim, late friday night or perhaps early saturday morning. The neighboorhood was in darkness as a transformer had loudly exploded and Mark's room was lit by candlelight.

Water besieged Mark's open window, which besieged a burning candle, whose hot wax besieged Keenan Golder. There was pain and confusion and a trail of oatmeal-like vomity stuff down Mark's walkway upon inspection. The culprit could only be....?

The next attack was inflicted upon Lauren Kalb and Pam Janutolo in front of Dunkin Donuts. The two were coaxed by their "friends" and then assaulted with water guns. Lauren abandonned her donut during her flight to the car. I heard complaints of a soaked white shirt that stuck to her back and prevented her from leaning against the seat in its unpleasantness.

David Crane offers his apologies, if they are accepted. But this is WAR.

The following casualties I heard of through Dave's newsletter dated 6/16/98:
Joe Strong at the Ice Cream Shop; Johnny executed by Joe Strong; Ben Tull and numerous punks at the Teen Center; Dave's stereo upon Church Hill Road (has anyone recovered its remains?); Josh's car; Matt Lavalee's ass - now this is one I have heard much of; and finally Eric Righter while in meditation...

On Monday night I brought a visitor from New Hampshire to meet the guys in front of Drunkin Dognuts and the Big Why. Numerous weapons [of watery ammunition] were brandished. Shots were fired in the air, pressure chambers were tested as well as firing range and dodging skills. Those present: Dave, Matt, Maggie, Josh, Ryan, Mark, Andy, myself and the visitor. A straight shot was fired, Matt was hit, I lept away with cat-like quickness but my visiting friend Ian was caught unawares and his shoulder was caught in the spray.

We then went to Newtown High School to acquire Danielle Birdsell. I was told the tale of Matt Lavalee's ass's encounter with a pellet gun: Brent Consilio's house was staked out. The wettened Brent defended himself by firing at an ass with his pellet gun. He recognized one of the attackers as his friend [Matt] when he lept 5 feet in the air with a yelp.

In the school parking lot we stayed with much loitering, yo-yo spinning and Australian music. Matt proudly displayed the welt on his ass to Josh Singer and Mark sneaked a peak with Matt's camera.[Anyone have that picture????]

Ammunition bottles were filled at a water fountain.

A patrolling pig did not disrupt us but it was time to move on. A car full of armed ruffians went off to roam Newtown. I heard of their feats later: Tristan Schwartzman was attacked on his front steps, and then came Ben Kugielski. Ben's father smartly locked the door, suspecting trouble, leaving Ben in the defenseless open of his back porch. He was thoroughly soaked.

Dave's trunk full of water guns

If I have not forgotten anything, then it comes to today, Tuesday.

This afternoon at Andy's house: Mark and Andy playfully practice their weapons skills upon each other and Snuk. Then they leave to acquire some new guns from Toy Works. As the minutes tick by, then a half hour, a full hour, I am filled with fear for their stealth and safety.

But they return victoriously with two chicks and two large waterblasting weapons. The tools of destruction were acquired from Ben's house after his father gave them (Andy and Mark) permission to ransack his home for valuables.

The evening's events were quite wet. I shall have to record them in the morn, unfortunately. I hope my memory shall still be fresh. I am much fatigued from watching the unceasing chaos.
the attack plan

I have decided to arm myself with all the necessary impliments to continue my observing and recording of the suburban warfare.

an ambush, photo

Walking down the streets of Newtown has stirred within me a new feeling...the feeling of fear, the knowledge that an ambush could occur at any moment.

I felt vulnerable. It was not safe to be out unarmed. I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder and scanning the area expectantly. Each car was scrutinized suspiciously to see if its passengers posed a threat.

Until recently, the only drive by shooting was directed at Trudeau. Now dawns a new era of DRIVE BY SQUIRTINGS. Luckily the vehicles in this war are limited and recognizable....

...that may change"

Well, the war ended rather uncertainly upon the weekend of our annual Fete du Triumphe. It was a weekend of celebration and brother/sisterhood with only a little bit of revenge. One night our cozy campfire was brutally extinguished by water balloon bombs and the assaillents fled for their lives. It continued to be an interesting weekend, complete with a rather vocal "orchestra". Heh heh, sorry, just HAD to mention it.

Ooh!  Fun!  Look what I found!  It is a document I had started typing on my computer about the suburban warfare.  I am posting it here for your reading pleasure.  The real names of the people involved have not been used in this article...perhaps I should go back and change the names on the rest of the page?  Nah!  Incriminating evidence is exciting.

"On the night of Thurdsay, June 18th, a most epic battled occurred.  I was with a group composed of 249, Boy, Bee, Snuk, Chicken, Chick Squared, Maggie, her brother and their poodle.  We had walked from the Gazebo for some of us desired coffee.  Our large group headed towards Dunkin Donuts, I brought up the rear.  Looking ahead I see the people scatter.  It was an ambush. They were completely unprepared, unarmed, and caught by surprise.  Radio DJ, DJ’s Girl, Kugi, and The Vagrant were lying in wait, fully armed.  Defenseless, 249's crew fled while he and Boy ran to get 249's car.  It was far away and they were gone for a while.  In the meantime, Chicken and Chick Squared were given super soakers.  There had been many “casualties”, even the poodle was hit.  Some of us sat in the safety of Dunkin Donuts, but even then we were hardly safe from flying streams of water.  After a while, everyone quieted down and considered leaving, then we saw the Goths.  They made the first attack with a drive-by squirting from josh’s car.  After parking, they did not fight fiercely.

From my vantage point by DJ’s Girl’s vehicle, I see the nose of 249's car peek out from behind Dunkin Donuts. I alert everyone about this fact.  Before long, we see Boy striding up alongside the building, pumping a 2000.  He put up a good fight against the smaller guns.  His buddy, 249, was held up by the car behind the shop in a stand off with DJ.  Neither fired at each other and soon 249 was seen coming up alongside the building.  The flying water seemed never to cease.  People were refilling in the Dunkin Donuts bathroom, the windows were getting splattered and civilian customers proceeded warily to the doors.  Spray came very close to innocent bystanders, tough bikers, and macho car people.  DJ’s Girl went to take shelter from a young man that clearly was not to be messed with, but this did not deter Boy.  He went after her and was yelled at by the angry tough guy.  Boy was crazy tonight.  It was Boy against sister, Boy against Chicken, Boy against everyone at once, Boy against civilians, Boy against tough scary guys, and Boy turned on me.  I was hit square in the abdomen before I could even shout at him.

The chaos was contagious.  People that we knew who happened to want to visit Dunkin Donuts got caught up in the fray.  Some car loving metal heads started throwing cups of water at each other, and later borrowed someone’s water gun to get their own friends.

There was no order.  There were no clear alliances.  Finally we could take it no more.  The crew that I arrived with decided that it was time to get out of there.  249 and Boy pulled up in the car.  Snuk, Bee, and I dove into the back seat.  249 started to drive away, but we had to get the chicks.  Chick Squared was able to jump in the back with us.  We then had to turn around towards the water gun brandishing hoard to rescue Chicken.  She dove onto Boy and the door was closed just in time to block a deluge of water that descended upon the vehicle from all sides. We were able to get away and that night’s action ended.

 Friday, June 19th brought the continuation of chaos.  From the Wayward home for children, an armed car full of 249, Hikoku, Squee, Snuk, Bee and I traveled across town to the house of Vassago.  We were deposited down the road to take up attack positions.  I was armed with my camera and a small pistol for self defense.  When we got to the property, the dogs barked an alarm.  249 and Hikoku went to the door. We were informed that Vass was not there. We pile back into the car and park on the green.  We move up to the house of Pelletgun Man.  His dog barks an alarm. We were noticed.  It was not a good night for sneaking.  Pelletgun Man then burst from his front door brandishing plastic baggies.  He was not wearing a shirt.  The baggies were full of shaving cream.  He hurled these at us, nailing Snuk in the rear.  The gunmen then tackled, drenched and recruited him, handing him a noodle as we had confiscated his gun. Returning to the vehicle to come up with an agenda, Pelletgun Man goes to his house to prepare himself for war.  Unfortunately, he would not fit into the car.  Before we were able to return to the wayward home, we were the targets of a drive-by squirting.  No one was hit.

Arriving at the wayward home, we see two vehicles that had not been there previously.  They are those of DJ’s Girl and Dog.  We park at the church, they fill their guns, and head towards the house.  I hang back, not wanting to be caught in the fray.  249 and Hikoku crouched on the left of the house, and Squee and Bee behind the trees to the right...they ask me to lure the others out of the house.  Thinking of it as a good way to get inside where it will be safe, I agree.

I walk in and exclaim that Dog’s Mustang convertible was going to be covered in salami, shaving cream and water if they didn’t go out to stop it.  Dog and Boy arm themselves to protect the precious vehicle, and are attacked as soon as they went through the door. A small scale exchange of water occurred.

Later, as friends again, most of the crew ventured over to the Gazebo on foot.  There we all rested, while being wary of an ambush...we had not seen the Goths all night and they were expected.  There were no further attacks and I was able to question some of the people and gather more information for my reports.

Only as we were leaving, to retire for the night, did we see the glow of a bright water gun pointing out of a car window, Dog and 249 sped off in pursuit.

As I learned later, there was an attack on Arson earlier on Thursday.  Matt, 249 and Boy arrived at his house and thoroughly soaked him after coaxing him outdoors.  Arson fought valiantly.  Boy and 249, after retreating a distance, could only watch in vain as Arson battled Matt on top of the hill, trying to take his gun.  Matt uttered strange noises and calls throughout the entire ordeal."

water warriors

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